Tuesday, April 18, 2006

the pain is in the resistance

i bought a new cell phone today and in order to get all my numbers and stuff changed over, i had to leave both the old and new phones at the sprint store overnight and pick them up tomorrow. without my phone, i felt kinda isolated and lonely-had some real separation anxiety. i felt very disconnected and couldn’t wait to get home to call my peeps. but then it got kind of cool because i was able to just think about some things without distraction.

what i came up was this: i’m a calculating person. okay, maybe i knew that already. and maybe that’s not the most desirable quality in a person and i’m sure it’s not even usually considered a positive trait. but that’s what i am. i’m also logical and efficient and impatient…and germaphobic-but i’ll save that last one for later.

so, in all my calculated logicalness i’ve come up with this perfect little world where everything i do has a reason and a thought process behind it, the culmination of which is my being content and happy and…safe. this all happens automatically of course (i did say efficient). i’m not very adventurous in a risk taking kind of way-not to be confused with adventurous in a driving on I-10 during rush hour kind of way…even my spontaneity is planned, which is why i know that at some point in my life, just one time, i’m going to go skydiving. pretty sad, i know, but it works. getting back to the point…this whole logical, efficient frame of reference doesn’t lend itself well to all situations.

since i’ve already figured out my entire universe, it sometimes takes a little effort to adjust to someone else’s frame of reference, as in see where they’re coming from. i mean i’m not saying anyone else is wrong and i’m right, i’m just saying that i know what’s right for me. so a while back i started playing devil’s advocate with it. whenever i would disagree with something coming at me or find myself in a situation where i have no control over the way things are gonna go down, i just accept at face value whatever that other viewpoint is and roll with it. after awhile it was like a total mind shift and it opened my eyes to the fact that there were other ways to handle situations that were at least as good as the way i would have gone about it....okay, so some were better. but the main thing was that i started seeing that different p.o.v’s weren’t inherently inferior just because i hadn’t thought of them first. imagine that.

it kind of led me to believe that half the problem with me seeing other viewpoints is in trying to hold onto my personal notions of how things should be instead of just going with the flow.

at work, my department’s been going through a lot of changes, people and policies, etc. and i noticed this sign that someone had put up called “adept at adapting” by david bowman, this human resources guru type that basically says the same stuff i just said in the last paragraph. so where am i going with this? well the points that he made also applied to other areas of my life as well.

take for instance matters of the heart. not exactly my strong point. oh, i’ve been there several times before and come out somewhat worse for the wear. it’s water under the bridge now, but the lasting effects are some lingering trust issues. so whenever i get in a new situation, my first instinct is to guard and guard and guard, never give ‘em an inch but try to get closer until that point where i’m just like, alright already. stop being scary and go with the flow. it’s at this point that disaster typically ensues.

well, i’m in this new thing now…actually it’s not that new, tomorrow will be one of our anniversaries (we met a little over 2 years ago, but it took us (read: me) a while before we got it together). but, i’m in this thing now and i’ve been realizing that i’ve been subconsciously resisting the natural progression of things by being my calculated logical self.

a wise (and very cute) man once told me “the pain is in the resistance” and i now know that he’s right.

when i come straight home from work and get my arse up and go running and then come back and hit the pilates it’s a lot easier than when i sit around first and think about how hard it’s gonna be to get my arse up and go running and then come back and hit the pilates. also when i don’t feel like studying for my health ed certification exam that’s coming up this saturday and instead i sit around thinking deep thoughts, it’s a lot harder to actually go study (but i’m gonna do it tonight-i promise). the key for me is less thinking and more doing.

so when it comes to the l-word, i think we get so used to holding onto past hurts or past ways of being and past baggage that it seems so hard to let the $#!* go, when actually the pain you’re feeling is really b/c your fingers are all clenched up trying to grab a hold of this stuff as it’s being pulled out of your life to make room for blessings. they say that you’re supposed to love like you’ve never been hurt. i say that there’s always the possibility that this may lead to more hurt, but it’s a certainty that confusion and pain are caused when you love like you’re afraid of being hurt.

so in this, too, i’ve decided to acquiesce………

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